A while back some asshole I know gave me a hard time for getting on my high horse over a ketchup bottle. I was overly proud of my understanding of the simple physics of ketchup. After I said something like, “I’ve never had to use a knife,” he applauded me and suggested I should go to the front of the line in Heaven for my knowledge.
Since I dispensed some holier-than-thou knowledge like I was tapping the 57 on my mind-ketchup bottle, I thought I’d dispense a little more catered to the hospital employee. I think these are less “I’m better than you” and more “Do you have any common sense or decency?” but some may just think I’m trying to pad my Heaven resume.
Anybody that has worked in a large organization where no one is really the boss of anyone, at least in public space, notices that most people left to their own “have no fetching up” as my mom would say. One area this is pretty apparent is the restroom. There are the usual broken rules like “Don’t piss on the wall” or “No one is swayed by your plea for Palin 2012, so don’t write it.”
Technology (yes, bathroom technology) has introduced a few more. More and more things are hands-free in bathrooms. Eventually I’m hoping there’s an electronic eye that will reach out and shake for me. Paper towel dispensers with sensors are a bit overkill but the “pull down with both hands” dispensers are great because what better time to be hands free than when you have wet hands. The ones used throughout the hospital are well made and if you regularly use them you should be able to develop a touch that guarantees a paper towel waiting to be tugged by the next pair of wet hands. If not you are able to bap the big bar (manual override) below the hole for the towel and a towel will magically stick out for the next guy. That has become the exception more than the rule. Again, not a big deal but when it’s more than 50% of the time you are using your wet hands it kind of defeats the purpose of hands-free. Maybe I should just be happy they washed their hands; my observations on that statistic are below 50%.
Don’t even get me started on the handicap door switch in the bathroom that is used by the capable. Handicapped doors (like hands-free paper towel dispensers) may add technology that may be perceived as an obstacle or challenging to you but they are also there for a purpose. (You got me started.) Go ahead, use a switch on a door that is ahead of you and springs open without impeding your walking. Use a switch when the door has been made insanely heavy because of all the servos or whatever that are resisting your push because of its handicapabilities. But don’t use the switch on a door made for special instances when a man in a wheelchair needs to piss. Because when you comfortably wait for that door to swing open and walk casually out of the bathroom you have basically said, “Here let me hold this door open for a minute while Mark stands at the urinal, watching the cute radiologist walk by.”
Once you’ve vacated the restroom, those mirrors in the hallway are also useful. Our hospital isn’t something designed by Gehry or the Guggenheim in New York, so there have to be some right angles. Someone hung a bunch of mirrors up at major intersections and someone else probably even Windexes them every now and then. The embarrassment of slamming in to someone (unless its that cute girl from the radiology department) can be spared by a simple glance in a mirror. Just remember mirrors reflect light so everything will be backwards.
The last one is probably more unique to the hospital. I, unlike my father, believe advancements in technology can be a good thing. I think a little more tax money could even be spared in the paper towel dispensing research field, not to mention that electronic eye urinal shaker. Water and ice dispensers are where I draw the line though. The hard part of that technology is turning water into ice, not putting it in my cup. That has been accomplished cleanly and efficiently for years by levers or even a scoop. Some idiot decided the hospital needed an ice and water machine with an electronic eye replacing the lever. The eye for the water is so sensitive that a clear cup is normally ignored and a finger has to be wrapped around the cup very carefully to block the sensor. Any hand shake or movement will cause it to stop and start again and splash water all over you. I have this tremor and so that’s my result. I think this is an issue that needs to be taken up with the ADA.
The ice portion is so sensitive that it basically opens up Niagara Falls of ice as soon as you trip it and doesn’t stop until you untrip it. Well someone missed the Rube-Goldberg project in engineering because the ice takes longer to get there than it takes for me to remove my hand from the icefall, thus untripping the sensor. So more ice follows once my cup is away. What you get is this and this is what it looks like on any ordinary day:
You’ll notice we now have an iceberg that is growing faster than it can melt to the point where it covers the area where a cup should go. The technology is stupid and a step backwards for ice dispensing. I’m sure the CEO who pushed for the changes in ice has long been fired or moved on to a bigger hospital to push their ice agenda. Here we are stuck with it so let’s make the best of it. We’re all in this together. If when we pull away from the ice machine, as one would normally do, the ice keeps coming, how can we move away from the sensor but still make sure all cubes except for an errant one makes it in the cup and not on Mt. Everest? Well the ice is falling down which is also away from the sensor. Let’s try tripping the sensor and then pulling the cup down below the sensor but in line with the falling ice. It’s a silly maneuver to make just for a cup of ice, but it just might work. It’s what I do, I’m just saying.
I know, I’m 25 and already a curmudgeon. I feel terrible but I really can’t help being better than everyone. I’m sure Saint Peter and I will have a discussion about it someday.